Randomness

Whats up world... Still trying to get used to the idea of blogging. So, just bear with me... LOL. Putting down your thoughts can be difficult at times especially when you have so many thoughts going thru your head. Not really sure where to start but here it goes....

I'm totally at a place in life where i'm comfortable in my skin... Meaning i'm ok with who i am as a person & truly accept and love myself. This didn't happen overnight of course. It has been a long process, but one that i embraced & took iniative in making changes & facing the things of my past. I had to learn what it meant to be responsible & be accountable for my actions. It was something i lacked in the past & i've totally been going thru things in my life figuring things out by myself. So, as i was growing up i always had issues with identity & was trying to find it via others (i.e. parents, relatives, friends, etc.). Because of this i basically kept things to myself, couldn't trust people & was living a lie. I wore a mask. Hid behind this mask. So i've recognized that i was still a little boy trying to be a man but had no clue how to do that. Based on society, men who go thru these identity issues or struggle with the "little boy" on the inside are fatherless & lacked mentors. Whats crazy is that it was the exact opposite for me. I grew up in a two parent household.

Unfortunately, i didn't have the type of father that talked to me on a regular basis & gave me advice. I was never told by my father or any other man in my family what it meant to be a man. How to treat women. How to socialize with others. How to handle business. And bunch of other fundamental things i needed. And so i grew up resenting that my father didn't give my the proper guidance & that he set me up to fail... I resented being second to religion/ministry. I always felt that me & my brother should have come before the needs of the church. I believed @ a young age that GOD was first, Family was second, then church duties/ministry third. And everyone or anything else came after that... So, a deep rooted bitterness settled within me. Not only did i have issues with my parents but other relatives as well. I just couldn't trust people & didn't believe anyone loved me other than GOD.

Due to this state of mind, it affected my decision making. I was scatter-brained. My emotions were unstable. I had convinced myself that it was me against the world. But @ the same time i craved attention. I needed to be affirmed. I feared rejection. I feared it so much that i could never tell a woman "no" because i needed them to like me. I didn't want to be alone. I had to be accepted and that was the only way i knew how to go about that. I was a "yes" man in every sense of the word. And not just with women but the men in my life too. Even if i knew they were doing wrong, it didn't matter to me because being accepted by them was more important. So, i was messed up mentally, emotionally & spiritually.

I went thru severe stages of depression & even wanted (and attempted) to end my own life because deep down i felt so rejected & not loved. Writing this right now is kinda surreal because i never would've revealed any of this in the past. But, i'm totally comfortable in my skin! I was a hurt boy who became a hurt man. And i hurt others in the process. And i've realized it & have accepted it. I've learned from these mistakes, errors, bad decisions, deceit & fakeness. I only got to the point i'm at now because i made up in my mind i wanted to be free. I wanted to be healed. I wanted to be real. I wanted to CHANGE & was willing to do whatever was necessary to CHANGE. I wish the changes had come sooner but there were a lot off lessons i needed to learn to grow & mature. I definitely hurt people in this process.

I was sometimes scared to make the hard decisions. Who really wants to admit that they're not ready? I didn't because i still had insecurities & couldn't see it. I was in denial. I wasn't ready to face the demons or skeletons in the closet. Or even equipped to deal with these things. Having GOD as my foundation is what has allowed me to see things clearer. Having good people around me giving sound advice & showing me what i couldn't see has helped me immensely. I can say now with full confidence that i'm a new person. A CHANGED man. Things are no longer blurry. I comfortable being transparent, open & vulnerable. No FEAR resides here. I've learned what it means to truly LOVE myself & others. Am i perfect??? No, not at all. But i'm striving daily to be a better person, a better man, a better son, a better brother, a better friend & when the time comes again... A better companion/mate.

I'm comfortable in my skin. And my goal is to share with others my trials, tests, tribulations, faults, weaknesses, errors & testimony. I want people to see that being right is the way to be. Being honest & having integrity is the way to be. Showing others love regardless of how they treat you or whether they deserve it. I want people to know that being prideful, selfish, hateful & negative is not the way to be & definitely isn't healthy. I want to be whole & for others to be as well. Don't you??? Everything starts with us as individuals. When we CHANGE, then we'll start to see things around us CHANGE. I'm on a mission. Feel free to join me... Being in this place is so much better. Let's strive to be healthy! Mentally, physically, emotionally & spiritually. Life is precious. I appreciate mines & others. I'm hoping to compel others to do the same.

My message is BE FREE. SHOW LOVE. HAVE PEACE. GIVE. SHARE. BE HONEST. HAVE INTEGRITY. BE HUMBLE. PUT & KEEP GOD FIRST.

BooG

Thanks 4 listening...